Depression is not a sign that you have a spiritual problem. Period.

Today I read the sad sad sad news Rick Warren's son committed suicide.

I cannot imagine the pain the Warren family  is experiencing. I visited Saddleback Church in 2010 and heard Rick Warren preach. He impressed me as a man who had no problem being honest in the pulpit. The first thing he said was, "So we all have problems. I like donuts. I eat too much." Saddleback church has an amazing ministry...but I know that nothing nothing nothing will make them feel better right now.


Over the past 12 years I have struggled with depression. I have been antidepressants 11 of those years. I have had thousands of hours of therapy. When I was at my worst, some well meaning Christian friends told me that if I was truly a Christian then I would not be depressed. I was told if I praised God more then I would feel better. I was told if I read the Bible more I would feel better. I was told if I prayed more I would feel better. At the time I was a senior pastor.

I SPENT HOURS AND HOURS PRAYING, PRAISING GOD AND READING THE BIBLE.
And I DID NOT FEEL BETTER.

I spent hours begging God to make the dark shadows go away.

Even though my problem did not look physical, IT WAS PHYSICAL.

I may have looked like a healthy 20 something but inside I was dead. However, looking at pictures of myself from that time, I can see it on my face.

It was only through weekly therapy and finally antidepressants that the dark shadows gradually lightened. And when I say gradually, I mean gradually. It took about 2 1/2 years before I was 'better.' But I put 'better' lightly. I was never the same and I have never been the same.

Depression still lurks in the darkness. It is an ongoing mental illness that for some, like me, is never 'cured.' It is ongoing struggle that sometimes affects my spiritual life but has nothing to do with how much faith I have.

Through therapy and the support of my family and friends I have learned how to take care of myself to make sure I never hit the bottom again. The plan of self-help may be different for every person. This is what works for me.

I am not a health care professional and I am NOT GIVING MEDICAL advice.

 If you THINK YOU ARE depressed, SEE YOUR DOCTOR.

1. I stay on my antidepressants. I have never tried to go off of them. I see absolutely no shame in taking  a pill a day. If you are on antidepressants, NEVER EVER take yourself off of them without a physician's supervision. Some people only need a short term prescription to get them back on their feet, but I have never ever wanted to return to the person I was before them, so I don't see the need to go off of them.

2. I see a therapist regularly. The first therapist I saw was an LSW who had also been to seminary. She was a godsend and I think she saved my life.  I saw her once a week for 2 1/2 years.  I  moved away and found another after a couple of tries. You have to find someone that fits for you. Don't get discouraged if your first visit with a therapist doesn't go well. Try another. Now I don't need to see one every week, but I know I can call her if I need an appointment. She knows me and that is important. "I don't have money or insurance," you might say. Ask around. Ask your pastor, rabbi, imam, or teacher. If you are a student, most schools offer some free therapy. There are free and reduced clinics. If you are depressed, you really need to see a professional.

3.  I have learned my limits. I am not a person who can get by on 4 hours of sleep a night. I have to have 7-8 or I can not function. Of course there were times in my life when this did not happen. But I have learned that I must catch up somehow. I don't feel guilty for napping.

4. I have learned to say no. I have to watch my stress level. If my schedule gets too busy, I get stressed. If I get too stressed, I get depressed. I have to say no often when it comes to church volunteering, etc, or extra work projects.

5. I have learned what relieves my stress and I practice those things regularly. It may take a while before you figure this out. It took me 2 years. I found that I love, love, love sewing, especially quilting. Getting immediate results from my efforts, seeing the beauty I create. You can see my projects at My quilt blog. I also need to exercise. I walk my dog, I do yoga, I ride my bike.

6. I speak out. Just about everyone who knows me knows I have depression. I do not tell people this so they pity me. I tell them so they don't get offended by my sad expressions. I want other people to know it is OK to be depressed, it is not a sin, it is not shameful.

7. I stay connected to a healthy community of faith. I could not survive without my church. Not all churches are safe places for depressed people. If you do not feel safe in your church, it may be time to seek another.  A safe church for a depressed person is one that allows that person to feel sad. If I do not feel like singing in worship, no one expects me to. My pastor says from the pulpit, "Worship in the way you feel comfortable." Sometimes I am too depressed to stand and sing. Sometimes I just want to sit and cry while others sing. My church leaders do not expect me to be someone I am not.

Holy Week is coming

Sorrowful anticipation for Good Friday
Happy anticipation for Easter
Holy Week is coming. Let us remember his Passion.

When I started observing Holy Week as an adult, I couldn't believe the meaning it put into the events of Jesus' last days for me. As I child of 7  I watched a movie about Jesus (can't remember which one) and remember I almost vomited when the whipped and killed him. It wasn't even at the level the "Passion of the Christ."   A teacher of mine read us The Day Christ Died once. I shook the entire time. I don't advise reading that book to children. I know we can't be shielded from the horror of the event. Over the years I have tried to push the feelings down. I avoided Good Friday services and any visual that had to do with the crucifixion. Now I believe  it is best to embrace the feelings of horror. It WAS the worst thing humanity could ever do. It was obscene and horrific and violent and gory. I tried to watch the "Passion of the Christ" when it came out in theaters. My students were asking about it. I felt I owed it to them. I went by myself. I sat behind a group of people that were laughing and joking and eating popcorn. I sat in front of a group who were loudly sobbing. I sat alone. I couldn't cry, the pain was too deep. Finally when they shoved the crowns into his scalp I left. I shook all the way home. I confessed to my class I couldn't get through it. I have never managed to finish it.

Lent 5C John 12:1-8 Mary's Anointing of Jesus. "What if I gave it all?"

I've been meditating on this scripture for the past 2 days. The thought that keeps rising to the top is, "What if I gave it all?" Interesting that John places this passage directly after the raising of Lazarus. Mary's brother has just died, and she did not use this perfume on his body? I've never thought of that. She saved it for Jesus. And ask she pours it out, does she truly realize that his death is coming? Some scholars say she would have heard the evil heartbeat of the Jewish leaders who sought to kill her friend. She bought if for his burial, but she pours it on his feet before he dies. Is she telling Jesus she understands that he will give it all? Is she saying she is giving all she is because she knows he will give all he has? Why does Judas question her motives? There is always someone out there who will question one who gives without wanting something in return. For those who cannot do that, they cannot believe anyone else will. Judas believes everyone has a scheme like he does. Perhaps he thinks Mary is after a blessing.  Interesting that Judas will be the vehicle by which Jesus is sold into death. We know what his motives are.

What if I give it all to a crucified man?  There's nothing left he can give if he dies (according to Mary). Therefore, she pours out her year's wages at his feet. Would I do the same? Or am I Judas, sitting there wishing I could be like her, but knowing I cannot due to my own selfishness?

Lent 3 C Luke 13:1-9 Did they deserve it?

This passage concerns Jesus discussing the idea of "Did those bad people deserve what they got?"  Apparently the people are asking Jesus' opinion of a horrible act of violence by Pilate (how about that for foreshadowing) against Galilieans who worshipped at Jerusalem, and the fact a tower collapsed near the pool of Siloam. They seem to be thinking perhaps the collapse of the tower was retribution for the massacre. But no one in particular caused the collapse. We call that a natural disaster. But these people had no frame of reference for natural. It was only God or nothing.

I fear we are often guilty of that same reasoning. Sadly some religious leaders have jumped on this and publically proclaimed that God was judging (fill in the blank). Today it is Haiti and Chile. Tomorrow there will be more disasters because that is the way the earth works. Plates shift, tornadoes rage, hurricanes flood, and blizzards freeze.

Jesus' message here needs to be our message. "Do you think that these Galileans were worse sinners than all the other Galileans because they suffered this way? I tell you, no! But unless you repent, you too will all perish. Or those eighteen who died when the tower in Siloam fell on them—do you think they were more guilty than all the others living in Jerusalem? I tell you, no! But unless you repent, you too will all perish."

We are all sinners. We all deserve death. Yet Jesus offers us forgiveness if we repent. All of us are in the same boat. We will all drown without the Lifesaver.